The Mel Gibson Guide to the Good Life by Andrew Morton

Author:Andrew Morton
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Andrew Morton
Published: 2006-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

Nothing helps me maintain my sense of perspective better than wandering the total of my twenty-seven miles of pristine Pacific coastline property. The sea air that blows in off the water really helps to clear the worries from my mind. Especially miles 18 to 23—those are my favorite.

The only feeling that rivals it is taking a humble drive down the Pacific Coast Highway that runs right through Malibu. I call it “my driveway.” One really feels the relative smallness of his own life when taking in the beauty of those oceanfront curves, preferably in a BMW convertible, traveling at or slightly above the posted speed limit.

But what really makes Malibu home (outside of the fact that I own it) is that not only do I feel comfortable here, but my friends feel just as at home here, too. Some a little more than others, truth be told. Despite the fact that I make sure to repeat “I own Malibu” as often as I can in their presence, some of them have gone ahead and built their own houses along the coastline. I guess it never occurred to them to ask me first. Which is fine. I mean, I have the room. But, still, Malibu does belong to me, and what kind of friends would just invite themselves to—

But, hey, that’s neither here nor there. Perspective is the name of the game, and my perspective is that friends are always welcome (if only they’d just bloody ask ). I’m happy to have them. Barbra Streisand is in the neighborhood. So is Courteney Cox and that weird husband of hers. I don’t think it would kill them to stop over once in a while to say “hello,” or “how are you,” or even “thanks for letting us squat on your property, and here is the firm date that we’re gonna be out.” Richard Gere is around here, too. Not that you could ever forget it, because God forbid I ever get to sleep just one morning past seven without having to be woken by the sound of monks singing or some crap like that.

The people that really piss me off, though, are these cops that constantly ride up and down the Pacific Coast Highway, looking to bust you for the tiniest offense. It’s always: “You’re speeding, Mr. Gibson.” Or “Your blood alcohol level is over the legal limit, Mr. Gibson.” And “Stop biting my arm, Mr. Gibson.” I mean, WHO THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE?

DON’T THEY KNOW WHO I AM? I’M MEL GIBSON!

I OWN MALIBU!

The City of Malibu

CITY PLANNING OFFICE

Dear Pocket Books,

We wish to thank your organization for forwarding to our office an advance copy of The Mel Gibson Guide to the Good Life , and we are more than happy to assist your editors in their efforts to verify the claims Mr. Gibson has made in the text.

To set the record straight, we can confirm that, in fact, Mr. Gibson does not “own Malibu.” The City of Malibu was incorporated on March 28, 1991 and as a result is self-governing.

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